Of Mormons and Men

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a husband.... Wait.... What did he say?  Did he just say HUSBAND!?!? 

Yes actually I did.  Thanks Ms. Austin for your wonderful line, but it does not entirely apply in my case.  Although the phrase must be in want of is particularly interesting to dwell on.

My whole life I have been told that I must be in want of a wife, I must be in want of dating and proper relations with members of my opposite sex, and I must be in want of missionary service (no puns intended I promise).  

For a long time, I believed that other people could tell me what I wanted and that other people could tell me how to live my life.  I believed that the only path to heaven was the straight and narrow, and that I would go to hell, because my path happened to be the gay and wide.  I believed that God had written one plan that he wanted everyone to fit into, in spite of us coming to earth with unique personal differences.  

Long story short, that line of thinking took me to a very dark place, one which is now thankfully in my past.  I now realize that we are all individual and there is not just one way to God.  If you are having negative self hating and suicidal feelings, please consider the source.  I can promise you that those negative feelings are not from God.  He loves you first and foremost.  Remember, "Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."  Samuel 16:7  People may see me, and say, "Oh, did you hear the latest bit of casarole gossip? This person is  GAY!  How tragic."  But I know that my Lord is looking at my heart, and understands that I am not gay because I am vindictive, or rebellious, or broken.  I am gay because he made me that way, and it would be a greater crime to hide myself and ignore this piece of who I am.  They say homosexuality is next to murder, but I feel that being closeted was closer to that description.  I was slowly murdering myself, chipping away my personality by shame, and fear. 

Now, I am out to everyone in my immediate family except for my father, (The person responsible for at least 67 nails in my closet door)  Some of my extended family, and some close friends.  I am comfortable with who I am, and after I am out to my dad, I'll likely be out to the rest of the world.  I don't know what that means, but I do know that I don't want to live a secretive life, regardless of whether or not I have a husband, a wife, or am alone in the future.  There was a line from a movie that I loved, "Just be sure that the choices you make are laying the framework for the life you ultimately want to live in."  It's very very true.  I don't have all the answers, but I have some, and for now that's enough.