"Don't Say Gay" Bill

SO funny :) The real reason Ya'll love star trek. It's so Takei.

P.D.A.

I found this clip by the TV Show "What Would You Do?" To be very fascinating. I hate public displays of affection regardless of orientation, but watching this really got me angry about homophobia and hate. Notice that the straight couple was full on making out, while the gay couple was simply being affectionate.

The Dark Side of Mormonville

It's no secret that when conflicted and confused, the new generation gay is turning to the internet for answers.  When I first came out, I needed to know if there were other people like me.  Turns out there are.  A lot.  The blogs I link to are a perfect example.

There are also a lot of people who are dealing with things in a very different way.

In the early process of my research, I needed to know how gay people would even go about meeting each other in such a conservative culture, and sadly I looked into some Men seeking Men classifieds in my area.  I say sadly, because what I found was disheartening.  Here are some actual quotes from the adds IN MY AREA.

"LDS RM needing a good pounding.  Be clean and good looking."
"Closeted Bear Bishop looking for a young twink to *&%^."
"Give a Mormon boy his first time. DL."
"Married man looking for a discrete bj. Your car or mine."
"Hold to my iron rod."

Okay, yes, the last one was witty, but the simple truth is that these men are so afraid of the social consequences of being gay, that they are doing things that are far more damaging.  These adds actually were a contributing factor in my coming out.  I could not stand the idea of being dishonest with people I love, or trading a loving relationship with a man, for casual disease ridden lust.  Church leaders don't think that there is a problem, or that it is not as common as it is, but that is only because it is in the dark.  They protest the 10% statistic, but only because 8% of their 10 are having sex in the closet.

If you are a man on the down low, please, please, PLEASE consider how your fear and self loathing is ruining the lives around you.  Your wife loves you.  Your children love you.  You can't keep hiding the feelings, because they only fester in the dark.  Bring them out, work through them and you can potentially live a happy life you never knew could exist.  You have hurt people and yourself, you can't take that back... But you can change your future.  Have the courage.

Here is a good video on the choices for a Gay Mormon.

Out

So I am finally out of the closet... Completely I mean. Long story short, I had a conversation with my very conservative religious father (the one responsible for all the nails in my closet door). He was very firm and forceful about his views and that he did not in any way support homosexuality. Apparently, queers were the fall of Sodom and Gamora, and will be the fall if this nation as well.  
He said that he loved me though, which I think I mostly believe. I get the feeling that his love is contingent upon my "enduring to the end" single and celibate, or changing my "abnormal psycosexual development." as he put it. He is not quite comfortable with the idea that I was born this way, or the fact that I'm not just making a choice.

For everyone out there who thinks gay is a choice, "When did you actually choose to be straight?"

Congratulations?

When I first came out, and someone told me congratulations, I did not get it at all.  I thought it was stupid to congratulate someone for that, because congratulating someone for being gay is like saying, "Congratulations! blonde hair!"  It is something that is a part of me, and doesn't need congratulations to be validated.

The more I think about it though, I think the congratulations was not for being gay, but for coming out.  Coming out takes a tremendous amount of courage.  Everyone has that courage inside of them.  I thought I would be closeted FOREVER.  Literally, I thought it would devastate my family irreparably and it would be better that I live a lie and be miserable, then to make everyone else miserable too.  Thankfully, it doesn't have to be that way.  People will accept it, and though it is probably the hardest thing you have ever done, you can come out.  Come out when you're ready and on your own terms. If you are gay and reading this, Congratulations!  Because you are taking the first steps weather you realize it or not.  The more you think it through, and pray and come to terms with yourself, the closer you are to being honest with yourself and the world.
Congratulations!

My Heart Pounds

My heart was just pounding for him. He did another video with his Dad. If you're in the closet, it offers a good insight into the questions you will get when coming out. Sorry for the long pauses in the conversation but it was worth watching.

NoH8

Anyone near Salt Lake City UT needs to to listen up.  The NoH8 Campaign is coming to Mormonville, and they want support.  Considering the rift with Prop 8 and the Mormon community, I hope that everyone will be there! It is January 24th and the details are on the campaign website http://www.noh8campaign.com/

When Did You Know?

When did you know you were gay?
Unfortunately my "I'm Gay" Moment wasn't like this :) I figured it out "line upon line, precept upon precept."  I always knew I was different, and that different was not good.  I always got that dreaded question in middle school, "Are you Gay!?"  But it wasn't until I was 20 that I could actually asses my feelings and fears and come out to myself that I was gay.  Shortly thereafter I came out to a friend, and then soon my family.  I am a Gay Mormon... and that is good.

Artsy Us

Hey Girl!!

I don't like it when my girlfriends or other gay guys call me girl.  Even if you are a super feminine and flamboyant person, the whole idea of being gay is that you are a man, and you like men.  Let's just be honest here, we are guys.  We are men just like any other man, and loving another man doesn't make us any less of a man.

I can understand not loving the "Man" Stereotype.  Let's face it, being a slovenly pig who watches football in his own stench while reveling in superficial and shallow conversation is not generally what gay guys are about. But that is not what a man is.  Let's get over the stereotypes in general and embrace our gender and our orientation.  "Hey man!"  

The "Straight" and Narrow

In Mormon theology we are taught that there is a figurative straight and narrow path that we need to follow in order to achieve exhalation and be with our families forever.  The Maxwell institute had an interesting article on the use of the word straight.  The pun involved in the phrase is not lost on me or other gay Mormons I'm sure.
The church culture and perhaps also some doctrine has made it clear that this straight and narrow path is synonymous with a plot line that the church lays out for it's members.  This plot involves:
Being born "into the covenant" (This is a bonus)
Being baptized into the church
(for young men)
Receiving the Priesthood
Deacon- avoid girls and be a good boy.
Teacher- avoid girls and be a good boy.
Priest- avoid girls and be a good boy.
Elder- avoid girls and be a good boy.
MISSION!!!!!
Get married and bear children unto the Lord!
(For young women)
Be a good girl
Be a good girl
Be a good girl
Be a good girl
Get married and bear children unto the Lord!! :)
No, really! Get married and bear children unto the Lord!! :)
Oh, you didn't get married? Go on a mission then, and we'll pray for you until you can get married and bear children unto the lord!! :)

For those like myself, or wonderful women who haven't had a chance to get married or countless other members, this plot is difficult to reconcile.  We don't fit into the plot no matter how hard we try, and therefore, we have fallen from the straight and narrow and if we aren't careful the mists of darkness will swallow us up.

Maybe it is just me trying to find peace, but I think this is ridiculous.  I think this life is more like a spider web. We are trying to get to the center, but there are countless paths you can take to get there.  As long as your heart is in the right place, why would this very rigid and specific plot determine your exhalation?
My path is different, but I don't feel it is any less likely that I can be with God again.
The straight and narrow?  I'm on the gay and wide.

Well said

Brown Hair

I thought this was well very well put.  This guy is as hilarious as he is cute.  Check out his Youtube channel Soundly Awake and his video, Sh*t Girls Say to Gay Guys.  Pretty funny.

Dear Costco Couple

Dear Gay Costco Couple,
I saw you shopping the other day, putting everyday things into your everyday cart.  You seemed so completely normal in the throng of conservative heterosexual shoppers.  You were better dressed and much better looking, and your hands were on each others' back as you shopped.  I needed to see how normal that was.

Thanks, and all my best!

EJ

I'm a Mormon

I was watching a video when this came up as an add.  Being Mormon, I was already familiar with Alex Boye's music and his participation in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  He has a great voice and I thought his story was interesting.  I loved what he said about "I believe we become what we think about the most."  I completely agree, and believe whole heatedly in the power of the mind.  Have a dream, and make it happen.  

Have a happy day all.  

Stereotypes

I am very fascinated by gender and gay stereotypes.  I'm sure we all understand that there is a broad spectrum of gay people from "super butch,"let's go to Home Depo bro." to super effeminate, "OMG that is the cutest clutch purse I have ever seen!!!!!!" 

Personally I fall somewhere in the middle, liking a lot of guy things and a lot of not so guy things, but why are they guy things to begin with?  Society is very particular about their gender roles, and from infancy boys wear blue, girls wear pink.  Being a tomboy is okay, but being a sissy is just wrong, which is why so many gay teens or teens that are even perceived to be gay are getting so much crap. That has to stop. 

In examining gender stereotypes, take this example of Kurt and Finn from Glee.  Though they are in clothing more typically worn by the other character, their stereotypes seem to seep through.  For some odd reason, Finn is so dramatically masculine in his behavior that even in a Gaga outfit he seems really butch.  Kurt on the other hand is so obviously gay, even in a "man's" outfit.  

I remember in high school doing a lot of digging on body language, so that I could act more masculine so that I would not be perceived as gay.  (Understand that I'm not really that queeny, I mean, I'm more feminine than some, but I was just so uncomfortable with my sexual identity that I didn't want to get found out.)  Needless to say, I spent a lot of time worrying about the way others saw me when I should have been worrying about how I saw myself.  I think we should all embrace who we are, regardless where we fall on that gaydar scale.  If you are comfortable with yourself and your natural body language, then the extreme stereotypical gayness or atypical buchness of other gays won't bother you.
I wonder if some gay people's desire for masculine men stems from a fear of their orientation.  They still aren't comfortable being gay and would rather be with someone who could be perceived as their "buddy".  Or maybe we just like a masculine guy.

A final word on the topic.  Do you think that there is a reason there are so many gay stereotypes?  Why?  And how do you personally feel about those stereotypes?  

Tear Jerker

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE realize that God loves you, I don't know you but I love you, your family can and will still love you, and God loves you, and did I mention God loves you!?  If you need help please call the National LGBT suicide hotline.

1-866-4-U-TREVOR

To Ogle or not to Ogle?

As a closeted Gay Mormon I was always very careful to keep my ogling discreet and not even allow myself to sneak a second glance.  Now however, being out and open I'm wondering if that's the best plan.  A part of me feels like if I take a second look at a cute guy, I am being lustful and the natural man is an enemy to God.  But there is another part of me that feels free for the first time to experience what straight people take for granted, physical attraction.  I remember when I was in middle school and my sisters and I would be in the car and they would be pointing out cute guys and talking about them as we drove past.  I could never say anything, because it wasn't okay for me to feel the way they did.  Now, being out and open I feel like I can't even voice an attraction without it feeling to other people like I'm rubbing their nose in my orientation.  When in fact, society has been slathering gays with their hetero biases our whole life.  An example of this is when a friend and I were watching a movie, she casually said that she always thought that David Duchovny was cute.  I simply said, "Yeah me too."  And for some odd reason it caused an awkward moment.  Why can she voice an attraction that would never amount to anything, and I shouldn't?  maybe because voicing it might make it an eventuality perhaps?  I think that God kind of already made that a potential eventuality when he allowed me to be born this way.  Thanks Gaga!

(Just the tiniest piece of eye candy for you) 

F*&%

There is a huge rift between the religious community and the gay community, and while there is a tremendous amount of understanding from both sides, that understanding seems to be limited and slow growing.  I feel like part of the problem is the religious perceptions of what it means to be gay is blinded by cultural stereotypes.  I would like to discuss one way the general (and I realize this is a huge generalization) gay community may be contributing to the problem.

Maybe it is because of my conservative upbringing, but I have a real problem with the flippant use of the F word, but particularly in the gay community.  Now before you all call foul, followed closely by prude, hear me out.

Yes, it's just a word that only has power to offend you if you allow it to offend you.  But in this case, I am glad it offends me.  I have given it a lot of thought and have come to some conclusions as to why I am so bothered by this.  First, I am bothered because, yes, I have a very conservative religious background, but it goes much deeper.  I feel that the careless use of that word is demonstrating a tremendous lack of respect for religion, a lack of respect that may be very well justified to a lot of gay people.  But I feel that if we ask religious people or religions specifically to respect us and our lives, we need to show some respect as well and acknowledge the offensive nature of that language.

I am also bothered because I feel it contributes to the slut stereotype.  If a gay person is promiscuous in their language, it gives the appearance that they also are promiscuous in their sexual life.  Profane people seem readily willing to screw anything that moves or doesn't move as long as it's not female.  And maybe the fact is that they really don't hold sex sacred, and if it works for them, fine.  I am not trying to judge other people's moral choices.  But having said that, I do think though that the promiscuous party seeker is in truth largely a mainstream stereotype.  I have a hunch that most gay people, just like straight people want a family and a committed relationship.  And a part of a committed family relationship is a monogamous sexual commitment.  For me, sex should be a deeply personal expression of love between souls and a physical manifestation of the deeper relationship.  It shouldn't be something that you wear on your shoulder and flaunt for the world.  As soon as it's in the open, it's not as important.  That being the case, I think that religion tends to view such open discord of sexuality and disregard for the special nature of intimacy as sinful and therefore a threat to their fold.
The dictionary defines the F word as:
verb (used with object)

1.

to have sexual intercourse with.

2.

Slang . to treat unfairly or harshly.

In my mind these two definitions should be contradictions. Sex should not be unfair or harsh, and the idea that this word could have such different meanings is troubling. Unfortunately, most of the world seems to think sexual intercourse is not as big of a deal as it could be. Call me a romantic, but it should mean more.

So, if any of that struck a cord, please just think about it. Think about what sex means and if it's meaningless to you, go on and say what you want, with the knowledge that it is making it harder for the religious society to extend basic rights to "hethans". If it did strike a cord, then please re-evaluate your language if you don't already agree.

Thanks

Different Paths

This interview was quite interesting, illustrating yet another path of how to be a Gay Mormon.

Of Mormons and Men

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a husband.... Wait.... What did he say?  Did he just say HUSBAND!?!? 

Yes actually I did.  Thanks Ms. Austin for your wonderful line, but it does not entirely apply in my case.  Although the phrase must be in want of is particularly interesting to dwell on.

My whole life I have been told that I must be in want of a wife, I must be in want of dating and proper relations with members of my opposite sex, and I must be in want of missionary service (no puns intended I promise).  

For a long time, I believed that other people could tell me what I wanted and that other people could tell me how to live my life.  I believed that the only path to heaven was the straight and narrow, and that I would go to hell, because my path happened to be the gay and wide.  I believed that God had written one plan that he wanted everyone to fit into, in spite of us coming to earth with unique personal differences.  

Long story short, that line of thinking took me to a very dark place, one which is now thankfully in my past.  I now realize that we are all individual and there is not just one way to God.  If you are having negative self hating and suicidal feelings, please consider the source.  I can promise you that those negative feelings are not from God.  He loves you first and foremost.  Remember, "Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart."  Samuel 16:7  People may see me, and say, "Oh, did you hear the latest bit of casarole gossip? This person is  GAY!  How tragic."  But I know that my Lord is looking at my heart, and understands that I am not gay because I am vindictive, or rebellious, or broken.  I am gay because he made me that way, and it would be a greater crime to hide myself and ignore this piece of who I am.  They say homosexuality is next to murder, but I feel that being closeted was closer to that description.  I was slowly murdering myself, chipping away my personality by shame, and fear. 

Now, I am out to everyone in my immediate family except for my father, (The person responsible for at least 67 nails in my closet door)  Some of my extended family, and some close friends.  I am comfortable with who I am, and after I am out to my dad, I'll likely be out to the rest of the world.  I don't know what that means, but I do know that I don't want to live a secretive life, regardless of whether or not I have a husband, a wife, or am alone in the future.  There was a line from a movie that I loved, "Just be sure that the choices you make are laying the framework for the life you ultimately want to live in."  It's very very true.  I don't have all the answers, but I have some, and for now that's enough.